Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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