I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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