I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
