i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
