Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
