Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize