So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
