Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
