I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
dude. I can hear the air.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
