My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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