I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
