ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
