Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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