she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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