I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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