do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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