how can u be prego again
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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