dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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