please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
