Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
