My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Are my feet made of real feet?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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