I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
