Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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