I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
