Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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