I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
