he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I would ride that face into the sunset
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
