I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
