I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
