My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
And then he peed in my hair
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