two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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