fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
