I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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