look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
