so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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