You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
