is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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