I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize