Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
COCAINE IS GR8
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize