Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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