I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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