there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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