i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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