I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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