youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
