Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
