Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
