I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
