I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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