Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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