M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
