it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
