she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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