Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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