Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize