Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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