Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
