He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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