i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
