you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
