watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
